Memorial Day

One of my least favorite holidays of the year, if I’m being honest. Being a service member in the military, this hits home every year. A holiday to honor those who have fallen in battle is very personal for veterans, service members, and their families. It’s more than just a long weekend and barbeques. It’s a time to reflect and attempt to honor our fallen brothers and sisters in arms. Some are very personal stories, and others are not so personal, but still impactful when weighed and reflected upon.

I’ve learned (and am still learning) to process this holiday in a more emotionally healthy way than I used to. I guess grief and anger take time to process, then re-process, and then find an understanding and meaning (if possible) for why things happened the way they did for those we have lost. It’s not easy, and it takes practice.

I’m starting to realize that I also like learning the stories of people we’ve lost as told firsthand by someone who knew them. I still love a good movie, book, or documentary to learn about someone. But when you can find someone to personally sit and tell you what their father, brother, sister, friend, etc., who served and died, and what their life, their story, and their sacrifices meant to those who knew and loved them, that kind of story is powerful! I want to find a way to honor them or show respect. It’s oftentimes a refuel and reminder for me when my motivation for service is running low.

If you know someone who has lost someone they cared about while they served, I’d love for you to put me in contact with them so I could hear their story. Not to publish it or market it. But to earnestly learn and hear it. If for nothing else, than to learn to open my heart and mind more, be a little more selfless, be a little more caring and empathetic, and maybe process some of my own trauma, grief, and anger along the way. Learning to speak about these painful feelings and sad stories is a way to process and heal, and grow. For both the sharer and the listener. No one ever got better at dealing with their emotions by stuffing them down inside even further. Not even Rambo. And every truly honest veteran would agree.

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Here is what I said about Memorial Day last year on my podcast, and it still rings true. Every word of it. Skip to the 10:45 mark for the start of the Memorial Day segment, or you can read it below.

Memorial Day weekend. It's often called The Unofficial Start of Summer. This is a time for many people to get the day off from work because it’s a federal holiday. It's often celebrated by Family get-togethers, barbecues, parades, and Mattress Sales. Among other things, it's originally a Federal holiday designed to honor the military.

Oftentimes, people get it mixed up with Veterans Day. If maybe that describes you, that's okay. I'll explain it real quick. Veterans Day is designed to honor military members who served and are still living. Memorial Day is designed to honor the military members who are no longer with us and specifically, those who have died in battle. Now, when I talk about battle, I'm also going to include mental health battles, and the part that people don't like to talk about very much, and that's suicide. It is a deadly killer for us in the military. It's something that the military culture struggles with in general due to the hardships of military life, and the things that we've seen, both in the US and on deployment. And especially for those who have seen combat.

For many veterans, myself included, Memorial Day is one of our least favorite holidays. It's a struggle. For me, it starts about a week out. I start remembering friends that I've lost along the way during my 14 years in the military. Now, some of you might say, “Hey Derek, I thought you were in the National Guard, and you do that stuff part-time?” Well, yes, that's true, but if you didn't know, the National Guard receives all the same training as active duty and deploys just as much, if not more than active duty. We do both combat and peacekeeping missions abroad, and we will also deploy for State emergencies to help with natural disasters and Border missions.

I've deployed overseas and I've also lost friends as a result from that. I personally have known three people in my unit who have committed suicide, and also another leader in my division who committed suicide, and I actually didn't know him. That was just related to the people that I knew in my small world, of my unit and my sections that I worked in. It sucks every single time that it happens. It makes you wonder what you missed, or what you could have done to be there for them or help them. The funerals and the memorials are crushingly painful as you see the family hurting even more than you are.

If I could do anything in this world, I would hope to never have to see a mom cry so hard or ever hear Taps again at a funeral. It's devastating to me, and I cry profusely anytime I think about it. Already, my eyes are watering right now. I also have Army friends who've lost friends in combat as well. I have not been in direct combat in my Army jobs. I work in signal and computer stuff. I haven't done anything super dangerous, but I have friends who have. I can't imagine having to remember their friends and their brothers, and anytime that they think about them, that also brings up memories of combat. If you've ever heard people talk about combat, it's just hell and chaos and confusion.

For me personally, I chose to name my fourth child after an army hero named Benjamin Wise. He was a great father, friend, and a good soldier, and he lost his life due to injuries that he sustained during combat. I've written about him on my blog before, if you want to know more about him and why we chose to name our child after him.

One of my goals is to honor his legacy. I strive to teach my kids the importance of the beliefs and freedom that Ben stood for, and that I stand for, and believe in, and that he ultimately gave his life for. Ben was an awesome guy! I know from firsthand stories from our mutual friend Josh. my friend Josh King, who I also interviewed a few episodes back on my podcast if you go back and listen to that, we talk quite a bit about Ben and his influence on us as men and the influence we hope to pass on to our our children. So go listen to that if you want to know more.

Also, you can go look up his brother, Beau has written a book. I think it's called Three Wise Men, and it delves a lot into Ben's life. I would encourage you to go jump into military history and learn some of these personal stories of our heroes and our friends who have died in combat. The military is a relatively small community, and we are all way more connected than we realize. When you go learn about somebody, it's not a far stretch to say that you or your friends, or your other military friends, are probably connected to them fairly easily.

The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is very easy to play in the military. So go ask some veterans. Just start talking to veterans that you know. Oftentimes, we are happy to open up and tell amazing stories if we can gauge that your interest is genuine, and that you actually care about us or what we have to say. We truly value that you care, and that you care enough to show it by sitting with us, and wanting to learn about our culture.

I would also say that part of talking to vets is just checking in on them. Especially this weekend. When you ask them how they're doing, you'll probably have to spend some time and ask them, “No, how are you REALLY doing? How are you getting through this holiday? What can I do to support you?” Otherwise, you're just going to get one of the, “Oh, I'm good, how are you?” normal responses and just passing conversation. This holiday is hard for veterans.

I didn't realize it started for me on Monday this week when someone asked, “Do you have any big plans for the holiday weekend?” And I just kind of mumbled, “No, not really.” I didn't want to explain that no, I'm in the military, and thinking about Memorial Day is very difficult and very emotional for me. I didn't want to talk about that, no, I'm probably just going to go watch some violent war movies, raise a cold one to my Fallen brothers, and cry a lot and hope that that's a valid way to try and process the loss of some of these awesome individual people that we've lost.

I've kind of been fumbling and grumpy the last few days as it grows closer, and I didn't even realize it. It helps to talk about it. Sometimes, I find that the more I can articulate it and put words to it, that seems to help, rather than just having this giant emotion that I'm feeling and I don't know what to do with. I imagine that a lot of other fellow military members are just like me, and that these emotions are quite difficult to express and are also quite difficult to process.

I want to encourage anyone who's struggling with the idea of suicide, whether if you're a veteran or you're not, it doesn't matter. Please find some help. You know you can call me, you can call the 988 line, you can call the VA. There are tons of resources and people out there who really do care and that want to help you get through whatever difficulties you're going through. I want you to know that you're worth it, and that there are some amazing things worth living for, and there actually are brighter days ahead. And I believe that, having gone through some hard days myself.

To put some numbers to these stories that you hear about in news headlines, and these were the latest statistics that I could get. In 2022, the stats for the military, there was 589 suicides. 255 of those were in the Army alone across all the components. The Army is the biggest, I mean that makes sense, but the Army is what I'm in, so that's what hits home the most too. 255, that's 43% of all the suicides for the military that year. 135 active duty, 37 reserve, and 83 National Guard. It affects us all, and unfortunately, there's no quick or easy answers to these problems.

So I say again, go check on your veterans. They're likely to be having a hard weekend and will probably be grumbling under their breath about barbecues and mattress sales. They may be doing great. They may have developed some awesome traditions to honor their fallen brothers, and that's awesome, and I hope that they can share those with you. I imagine a lot of them are like me, still on the Journey of figuring that out. Wanting to honor their brothers, maybe not knowing how, and maybe still stuck trying to process all the pain and the grief and the hurt.

In summary, I just want to say, go check on your veterans. Go care for your veterans. Know the resources and how to get people to those resources. Come alongside your veterans, help them grow, help them build memorials, and participate with them in honoring their fallen brothers in arms for this holiday. I promise it'll be a blessing to both of you guys. So go enjoy the holiday weekend. Enjoy your family get-togethers. Enjoy the barbecues, and maybe get some stuff on sale like a mattress if you need to. But also, I encourage you to take some time to remember what Memorial Day means, and what it celebrates and honors. It's more than just a three-day weekend to a lot of us.

Until Next time!
-Derek

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